I wasn’t raped (not another #metoo poem)

by Kat Gál


I wasn’t raped

No, I wasn’t raped

Yet I am left with shame
                           Scars
                           And forever pain

I wasn’t enough to be fucked (someone said)
But I wasn’t enough to be respected
All I was enough to be violated

I didn’t know what to do

No, it’s not happening,
It doesn’t make sense
I silently screamed inside
Puzzled 
Frozen

But no, I wasn’t raped

He pushed me against the table
Pressing his body against mine

What is happening?
It doesn’t make sense
I whispered: stop, no…
I wanted to cry
But cried only quietly inside

But no, I wasn’t raped

His skin didn’t touch mine
Not there, not inside, anyways
Only everywhere else
Body fluids were not exchanged
But I still feel him breathing down my neck

But no, I wasn’t raped

He was rubbing against me
Slowly at first, then faster and faster
Faster and faster
Until he collapsed on the top of me

But no, I wasn’t raped

But what happened anyways?

It wasn’t rape. 
Does it count as sexual assault,
Molestation
Any form of violation
When your clothes are not ripped off,
When your inside stays closed?

Yet, he still used MY clothed body
For HIS personal pleasure
WITHOUT MY consent

Yet, I wasn’t raped.

When he was finished,
He said ‘thank you’,
How polite
Then left silently

Left me frozen

I couldn’t move
I couldn't talk

There was nowhere to go
Noone to talk to

I’ve never spoken about it
I’ve never acknowledged it as we passed each other in the hallway 
Every day for the next months

He was my roommate after all
What could’ve I said to help me understand

What did I do wrong?
How did I deserve this?

What happened?

And how to move on?
Violated. Scared. Broken. Lost. Ashamed.

But no, I wasn’t raped.

No, I wasn’t raped.

But I still live with the forever pain and shame.


* * * * *

Kat Gál is a writer, runner, traveler, bookworm, and cat-lover. She is Hungarian by birth, international by choice, and American by passport and currently resides in Milwaukee, WI. Kat is a freelance health writer and enjoys creative writing, running, and traveling in her free time. You can find her at katgalwriter.com.